There are no guarantees in what your child or your relationship with them will look like when you birth a child into your family. Anything can happen, right?! But general expectations are that your child will meet developmental and emotional milestones, grow physically & emotionally independent and a parent-child relationship grows a smidgen more even (although never exactly equal) over time. That's the way it's supposed to work, right?! It's in the biologic recipe. But with foster/adoption parenting there are first, no guarantees of anything and second, it's best to have zero expectations...of everything. I welcomed home a nearly 14 year old intellectually delayed adolescent with life long institutionalization in the throws of puberty. That isn't exactly an emotional picture of wildflowers and rainbows. I knew our relationship wasn't exactly going to be a picnic as I fought for a place in her trauma-ladened heart. And honestly, as we we've been walking through her neurological reorganization (that process of revisiting old milestones that never got met because of the whole fighting to survive thing), I knew that my relationship with her might actually be totally me as her permanent caregiver, physically & emotionally for the rest of our days. I haven't grieved the loss of What Might Have Been because I feel like I knew how deep the waters could get (and they are even deeper still!) when we jumped into Mila's Ocean nearly two years ago.
But then Thursday happened.
Mila had a scheduled day off school and I needed to focus on some administrative work at 'the office', so she came with me. She was SO STINKING excited. She told her teachers and friends every day earlier that week "Thursday no school! Mila and Mommy WORK" (with her finger in the air waving in the air with Einsteinian confidence). She woke up early, picked out her outfit, made sure to rub in her little brothers face that he had to school, but not Mila, she was scheduled to WORK. We parked downtown and as we walked into my administrative building, she grabbed my hand "I excited Mommy! Dis one? Dis one??" as she pointed as the tall buildings around us. My heart melted just a little...oh my goodness, she wants to know where I work. She wants to be apart of that part of my life. She is asking to be apart of MY world.
My HR department quickly outfitted her with a (unnecessary) badge--SO EXCITING. Then she got to go into AN OFFICE and help send emails and even attend a...wait for it...conference call. GASP. She loved it ALL. Although, she will tell you her favorite part was the staff lounge, "Mommy! So BEAUTIFUL" *haha*
Sadly, we skipped the staff lounge and went out for lunch instead. On a whim I took her to my favorite restaurant--no nuggets, no hamburgers, no plastic forks. Real linen napkins and glass goblets with cucumber water. She soaked it all in. And my heart did too--a little glimpse of what life could look like as mother & daughter; where sometimes, SOMETIMES, I get emotionally fed too. Where I am not her caregiver, I get to be her mom who has a life intersecting with hers...probably like a plate of spaghetti, but with some individuality all the same. ;)
I ordered her a cup of tea, just like mine and after her first sip : "yummmm. What dis drink?" That's mint tea, Mila. Do you like it? "oooohhhh. Like MENKT tea. Es good!" And just like that I shared a cup of tea with my daughter.
And because chocolate is most definitely her love language, we made a quick stop at the specialty chocolate store up the street from the clinic...you know, for work purposes. Just look at her opening up a little personal box of chocolates! JOY.
Today was a special day for Mila, and myself. It was a window of hope of what could be and a testimony of how far she and I have come. That the slow, hard, often painful walk through trauma is worth it. Glimpses of sunlight through the dark clouds can feed you until the next sunbreak that is a little bit longer then the previous one. Proof of healing comes through fake work badges and big ol' cups of tea..and some chocolate for good measure. God is faithful to us BOTH.
