A Hope Deferred (Albanian Intermission Day 4)

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,

    but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

Proverbs 13:12

We've been home a few days now and are starting to come out of the jet lag fog. Isaac is sleeping 12 hours at night...but that starts at 4pm and ends with rapid signing of "toast! toast! toast!" at 0400. Poor kid's belly is still on Albanian time. Today we both passed out at noon for a long nap, simply unable to keep our eyes open one. second. longer. 

Our sweet neighbor stocked our fridge with a week's worth of meals. And a precious adoption friend scheduled me a long massage--a ministry my body desperately needed.  The phone is beeping with messages of prayer and encouragement all with empathetic concern "how are you doing, friend?"  I just don't know. I feel dizzy and confused and grief stricken but hopeful and hot (Seattle is having their annual heat wave this week!) and I really missed my bed! I hate walking by her empty bedroom. I haven't put away the clothes she hasn't gotten to wear yet. I'm struggling with reentry into my own culture but I also have to not fully disengage from her culture as we need to stay connected. And somehow I need to keep her in the forefront of Isaac's mind so the whole experience doesn't end up getting filed away as a dream or goofy vacation event. 

It's all just really messed up and my heart feels sick. 

But...God. 

I serve a God who raises the sun every morning and provides grace for that day...every day. A God who loves my girl more than I could ever...and loves our judge with the same fierce pursuit of his human heart. A God who knit each of my children together perfectly with their little extra chromosome of love and designed my family to bloom with those designer genes. This is what I am holding on to: knowledge of a God that is bigger than my understanding and will use ALL things for good to glorify Him. 

So while the hope of my daughter coming home has been deferred, I am expectant of the glory that will shine when she is in our arms again.  Because God. 

Albania Day 60: On Coming Home

It is Day 60 and I am boarding a plane to the USA without my daughter.  This is not a scenario in our adoption journey that I ever could have anticipated. She was supposed to come HOME. She is indeed safe, she is healthy, she is being cared for and arrangements have been made so we can 'see' each other several times per week while we wait this situation out but she is not with us, her family. My daughter WILL come home...we just don't know when.

For those that have asked, I don't know how I feel and I don't know what we need or what can be done. I'm exhausted and there are a whole list of things I need to address (like work and finances and school and medical appointments that were already scheduled) and an even longer list of things I can't address or have control over as we wait. I suspect that Isaac and I and Gramma (and even Annie as she will part with us during our layover) will need a lot of grace & proactive loving specially from our local friends & family. PLEASE find us, bring us dinner, come sit in the backyard for a chat, pursue us...but also know we have left every ounce of emotional energy an ocean away; there just isn't anything to give back yet and probably won't be for a while...please don't be offended or give up on us. There is no guideline or book to read on how to navigate the weeks and months ahead of us, so we ask simply for your loving presence.

John 14 can feel a bit overused in the adoption world, but in our case...

Mommy ALWAYS comes back, Sweet Girl. Mommy ALWAYS comes back.

  

Albania Days 55 & 56

Day 55:

Today I had the great pleasure of meeting the head nurse (now retired) and social worker in charge of the abandoned babies unit at the hospital where my girl spent the first year of her life. They vividly remember her and shared pictures & stories of her infancy: "She was the most precious baby! Such beautiful skin!! Everyone loved her. She helped us change the way we think about Down syndrome and helping babies stay with their families".  

I so thankful that the Lord is giving me a glimpse into my daughter's past. Also in awe that this child who has been stamped abandoned and unwanted for 13 years has had so many wonderful people who have truly loved her; she understands what it is to be loved, wanted and cherished. That makes her connection to me so much more blessed.  

Day 56:

Today was my SECOND most favorite day with my girl--THE MOST favorite day will be when we finally have gotchya day. Today we took her swimming for the first time.  She has been sporting a swim suit at the orphanage to play in the inflatable pools and she was excited when I told her where we were going, but her eyes nearly popped out of her face when she saw the public swimming pool. She just stared..."pishine!" (pool!).  She waded in to her knees and then to her waist then the giggles and uncontrollable smiling came...GOOD! GOOD! GOOD!  Mommy!  GOOD!  

She let me cradle her and help her float on her back and guide her into getting her ears wet. She trusted me to hold her under her arms and allow her feet to come off the ground in mini kicks all the while smiling her face off. She gave massive hugs and kisses and giggles. She tried the twisty slide (only once and she was DONE with that experience) and rooted on Annie, Isaac and Gramma as they came down. She had pool side ice cream and walked under the tall water fountain. So many new experiences with a TON of sensory input.  My sweet girl. Do you have any idea how brave you really are? I felt the ugly cry coming as I thought of the memory she was forming for today. She went swimming with her Mommy and brother and Gramma and her Annie; first time at 13 & 1/2 years old. Such a brave-brave girl and her world is only just starting to open up. <3 

This evening we had dinner with our dear friends here in Elbasan. They have been such a blessing to us with practical help, and as tour guides and prayer support--they have been real friends. We will miss them and are so thankful for the power of the internet that we can continue our relationship from afar until we all are worshiping together at the foot of the Cross. 

Photocredit: Isaac *wink*

Albania Day 55: Above the Interruptions.

I have received so many wonderful texts, emails and messages as we walk through this weird, painful and unexpected adoption delay. We are writing them all down and putting them on the fridge so we can see them and stand firm in the encouragement of the Body of Christ.   The message below was a voice text. It spoke to me so deeply that I am sharing it here.  God's plan does not change because of a seeming detour; the delay should not change our faith in His works. <3 

Um, so...yesterday, I just, I don't know, kinda threw a fit a God all day long. Not mad at Him, I know that God is in control...but I know that His heart is for your family to come together. But I was just asking Him: Why is this happening? This isn't fair! I guess my own adult tantrum in my head all day long. And I woke up this morning and that verse that all things work together for His good was in my head when I woke up. And honestly, I did not receive it very well (ahem). And I basically told God, "That is really a cliche saying". And I really felt like He said back "It is. It can be. But it's still true. My word is true."  So I was like (big breath) "OK" (tears) So, I looked up the verse--it's Romans 8:28, and it does say "and we know that for those that love God, all things work together for good. For those that are called according to His purpose." (wiping away tears) And so, I felt like the Lord was reminding me that this purpose is what He has called you to. And He has called you to (your daughter). He has called (your daughter) to you. And He is going to work this together for good. I don't believe that this was His plan. But the Lord's plans are above the interruptions, and the things that draw it out. His plan is STILL going to happen.  And then I looked up the beginning part of the chapter, verse 18 it says "for I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the Glory that is to be revealed to us". And I felt like the Lord said that when the time comes, when she FINALLY comes home, the good that is going to happen will overshadow the pain of this process. He WILL be glorified. Amazing things are going to happen in (your girl's) life and in your family, and NOTHING can stop that.  There might be some delays, but the Lord's plan is NOT going to be stopped, and we can stand firm in that. 

Albania Day 54

Day 54:

Today we spent filling our memory tanks--ours and hers. A special lunch inside the Elbasan castle with anything she wanted to eat and as much as she wanted. After her fourth piece of pizza and ice cream still on the way I leaned over to my girl "You'll always have enough food. Always." (wait until you see Costco sweetheart!)  We took pictures and my glamorous children had a belching contest (that was a proud Momma 15 minutes *eyeroll*) and there was an abundance of physical touching--love pats, hugs, kisses, back rubs--anything to help my daughter remember over the next three months she is loved...by me.  

(And even an opportunity to share our story with our waiter who in tern was able to share part of his family story. "Thank you for your inspiring words. They have changed me."  No moment wasted.)

My children... <3

With the help of the Sisters and our missionary friends, we told my girl a modified version of what the next three months entail. "Isn't it great the judge said I can be your mommy!! Now I have to go back to America and get your room ready and buy all your clothes. You get to go be with your friends (the ones she left in May to move to Elbasan for the adoption) and go to school AND you get to see Mommy on the phone...then Mommy will come back! Mommy ALWAYS comes back"  In classic tweenager style she was thrilled to be able to see her friends again. She has been stuck in the baby orphanage for the last 54 days and while it an be fun to be the big lady on campus, toddlers can be super annoying, especially when they touch your stuff.  I was swallowing the tears and so very thankful that the Lord and her extra chromosome are protecting her heart from separation anxiety/rejection trauma.  Please continue to pray that our attachment is miraculously cemented during our time apart and there would be NO damaging issues. 

The next few days will be a whirlwind of activity as we prepare to move my daughter, visit our friends for the last time and prepare to return to the home soil.

Through it all...GOD IS GOOD.

Albania Day 53: Court Day

Day 53:

Sometimes God's hand doesn't move they way you think it should, or the way you want, or in the timeline you think is best. Sometimes it just doesn't make any earthly sense why things turn out the way they do. 

My girly was in her best blue princess dress seated behind me in the court room; my son in his handsome blue plaid shorts and matching polo, both displaying stellar behavior. I was so proud of them. When the judge asked me if I was willing to adopt my girly I boldly stated "I DO" and looked over my left shoulder at my Sweet Girl---I had never seen a bigger smile on her face!  Cue the momma tears. But after waiting 7 months in the U.S. and 53 days in Albania, our judge declared our adoption on hold until mid September, finalizing in the adoption in early to mid-October. Three months from now. The reason makes ZERO legal or human sense and despite having the in-person support of the Albanian governmental adoption committee, the Sisters at the orphanage (who currently have legal custody of my girl), our respected international adoption agency and an Albanian lawyer specializing in child welfare at my side there was no convincing our judge that his demands were not in the best interest of my child, not to mention legally ridiculous.  Insane is the only way to describe it (in all honestly, I used another, shorter word that had only ever left my lips once before).

I do not understand why this happened. But I do not doubt God's character.
I do not know how I'm going to tell my girl her family has to go home with out her. But I do not doubt God's unending faithfulness.
I do not know how we are going to manage at home with school, work and finances etc with split maternity leave. But I do not doubt God's provision.
I do not understand how my girly is going to process re-attaching to us after 3 months of being apart.  But I do not doubt God's unconditional love for me, for her or my family.

With all the things I do not understand or all the words I want to scream in my pillow tonight I am holding on to this...God is still good, even when I do not understand.


We have a lot to process and arrangements to make for my girly and for our return home. We'll post more information as we have it. Until then we covet your continued prayer coverage as we walk this unknown path on the adoption road.

Albania Days 51 & 52

Day 51:
My Sweet Girl met us at the gate with hand made flower bouquets for each one of us this morning. She was so proud of her handiwork. (So was I). <3

She was eager to show us off to all her friends at the orphanage (doesn't matter that we've been introduced 20 times already) but it made me happy that she was proud of us. Plus this...

Day 52:

It's a bazillion degrees in Albania right now. I'm told that this has been a very mild summer and that fact alone makes my spleen sizzle. My mom has declared that the NEXT child I adopt needs to be from a cold country...Siberia or Finland or Minnesota. 

We popped over to the pool this morning to escape the heat. Isaac is slaying his swimming! I'm so proud of him. I seriously don't think he took his face out of the water for 3.5 hours. 

When it was a bit cooler we visited my girl. Apparently, she was missing us this morning and hid the key to the gate from the Sisters. Not sure what she was hoping to accomplish with that, but I found that HYSTERICAL (remind me to make 17 extra set of keys when we get home). 

This is how they bond... Isaac works on his math and she works on her English. <3

My girly picked out her best dress for our court date tomorrow. We continue to pray for our judge and the mountains that have been set in front of us to be removed.  We have met resistance at every step since our arrival in May but continue to hold on to God's promises for this girl, my little family and this adoption. An absolute miracle would allow us to complete this adoption by mid-August (best case scenario). We are prepared for worst case events but are believing in the God of the impossible.  

Days 49 & 50

Day 49:

I met with Albanian lawyer this morning with our Bethany team. He is a nice man who knows our judge well. When I asked what his professional opinion was of our judge he responded "Well, I'd compare him to a dog, but that would offend the dog!".  Oh, good lord. 

In short, our lawyer believes our judge is a prideful man who relishes in finding and correcting 'mistakes' from other courts (lower & upper). And, despite having the support of the law AND legal president, nothing short of an amazing miracle is going to change this judge's mind in regards to getting the missing signature of my girly's birth parents.  The judges actions are going to push our case into September and force us to make some crushing decisions about our time here in Albania.  So we continue to pray. We pray for the heart of this judge to bow to the King of Kings, for his pride to be broken and for him to see the CHILD that is at the heart of this case.   

Day 50:

Welcome back to Elbasan...its 101 degrees! Wowzers. Thankfully we planned ahead and escaped our apartment-oven shortly after breakfast, got ice cream and parked our sweaty selves at the air conditioned internet cafe for several hours.  We aren't stupid!

 There is an upside and downside to being in a small community...and sticking out like American tourists in a tiny European town (I'm sure the giant bright orange BOB stroller with a tiny singing Asian is only helping our cause!). Our dear friends (whom we assumed were at church as we didn't see their car parked out on the street in front of their shop) heard from a neighbor who heard from someone else that we were at the internet cafe so they popped over to see us there. I didn't know whether to be impressed or paranoid! (Also, why didn't either one of us use our phone to find each other??)

Days 46 & 47 & 48

Day 46:
Today we got our Bible history on in the areas surrounding Thessaloniki:

Lydia's baptistery is the site believed to be where Lydia--the first known convert to Christianity in Europe--came to know the Lord (Acts 16).  Lydia has been sainted by many denominations and there is a lovely formal Byzantine baptistery built behind this site, but I would like to think that the original Lydia would have wanted none of this. From an artistic perspective the church was stunning but she bowed her heart to Jesus and would have wanted ALL things pointing to Him alone.   

 Beautiful floor mosaic of Paul's Journeys:

Look at this little boy schlepping around ancient archaeological sites like it's no big deal.

Up the road is the archaeological site and museum for the original city of Philippi.  This is the city that Paul and Silas were jailed and sang praises through the night, ultimately leading their jailer to the Lord. (Acts 16)

This is what Isaac thought of the Archaeological Museum *wink*

Here is what I thought of the Ruins of Phillipi...

Day 47: 

We got to Skype with my girly today. She seems to beam when she sees us which makes my heart happy. She had her sunglasses ready on her head (as is MY habit) and when Gramma said "your hair is getting so long!" she responded with "just like Mommy!"  Sweet Girl is finding comfort in her place as my daughter.

This afternoon we escaped to the shores of Thessaloniki for one final dip in the seas. I must say, Agean Sea you are my favorite thus far. Thank you for this send off in our final day in Greece.

Day 48:
Today was a long car day making our way across a good portion of Greece and most of Albania--oh my the views!  So very beautiful.

With no radio or CDs or workable streaming of any kind for 8 hours in the car, this is what these two yahoos do in the back seat to pass the time:

And because 8 hours in the car can turn anyone into a bunch of 10 year olds, when we drove through this city in the SE corner of Albania we slammed on the breaks to take a picture:

We are back 'home' now and ready to move full speed ahead at whatever is now before us. I am meeting with our lawyer tomorrow to review all scenarios and options for this new wrench the judge threw at us this week. I am holding on to the promises God gave me for this adoption...for my family. I do not doubt His plan for us one bit, but boy I do wish I understood WHY this is all happening. Thankful for all those that are praying for and with us.