He's officially 'boomerag-ing". Every night between 9-12 he leaves his bed, turns off his sound machine, drags his pillow & blanket into my bed and makes himself at home...with or without me. (Let me tell ya, when a tiny human, that you didn't know was in your bed, sneezes at 2am, it scares the yogurt right out you!)
I don't know why he has needed to sleep with me recently, but he does. Whatever his little heart and mind is processing right now, it involves needing to touch me all night long. Sometimes it's his fingers in my hair. Sometimes he entwines his hands in mind (that'll melt anyone!). Most nights he roots around in the pillows until his cheeks find mine and we sleep cheek to cheek. My favorite (although I don't sleep much) is when he folds himself in half--nose to toes--and scoots into my "spoon", full enveloped into his momma. Whether he is feeling insecure and needs reassurance or overwhelmingly loved, I don't know, but in the quiet of the night I get to whisper to his heart, "Momma is here, buddy. Momma is always here" (and then find a mocha on the way to work).
I don't know why he has needed to sleep with me recently, but he does. Whatever his little heart and mind is processing right now, it involves needing to touch me all night long. Sometimes it's his fingers in my hair. Sometimes he entwines his hands in mind (that'll melt anyone!). Most nights he roots around in the pillows until his cheeks find mine and we sleep cheek to cheek. My favorite (although I don't sleep much) is when he folds himself in half--nose to toes--and scoots into my "spoon", full enveloped into his momma. Whether he is feeling insecure and needs reassurance or overwhelmingly loved, I don't know, but in the quiet of the night I get to whisper to his heart, "Momma is here, buddy. Momma is always here" (and then find a mocha on the way to work).
Even as we are approaching four years HOME, I am just realizing that the adoption road is never linear. There is no getting from Point A to Point B with a few adoption related bumps in the road. It's not learning to walk before you can run. There is no milestone that you just have to get to when you don't have to think about adoption trauma anymore, because the adoption road map looks a paint by number Ikea instruction manual...up side down.
That's why the road to healing is all the more powerful.
When my brain says "I don't know what to do!", the Lord says "If you need wisdom, ask Me and I will gladly show you what do to" (James 1:5)
When Isaac's heart says "What if you never come back??", I can show him time and time again, Momma always comes back; Jesus is always here; You will never be left or forgotten again. "The Lord himself will go before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forget you. Don’t be afraid and do not let your heart be worried." (Deuteronomy 31:8)
When my body is screaming "SLEEP!!!!", "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak." (Isaiah 40:29) Aka, the coffee scripture.
When my little boy is running another fever, when fearful tears fill his eyes again, when there is another appointment on our calendar, the Great Physician says "I will restore health to you and heal your sicknesses!" (Jeremiah 30:17)
When emotions are done, just done, "His unfailing love lasts forever, His faithfulness is as enduring as the heavens." (Psalm 89:2)
The adoption road can be a doozie and right now involves sock-less size 8 toddler feet wedged under my hips at 3am. Oh, that I would snuggle into the Lord the way Isaac snuggles into me! You are our Jehovah-Rapha, the Lord who makes bitter things sweet. <3 (Exodus 15:25-26)
When my brain says "I don't know what to do!", the Lord says "If you need wisdom, ask Me and I will gladly show you what do to" (James 1:5)
When Isaac's heart says "What if you never come back??", I can show him time and time again, Momma always comes back; Jesus is always here; You will never be left or forgotten again. "The Lord himself will go before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forget you. Don’t be afraid and do not let your heart be worried." (Deuteronomy 31:8)
When my body is screaming "SLEEP!!!!", "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak." (Isaiah 40:29) Aka, the coffee scripture.
When my little boy is running another fever, when fearful tears fill his eyes again, when there is another appointment on our calendar, the Great Physician says "I will restore health to you and heal your sicknesses!" (Jeremiah 30:17)
When emotions are done, just done, "His unfailing love lasts forever, His faithfulness is as enduring as the heavens." (Psalm 89:2)
The adoption road can be a doozie and right now involves sock-less size 8 toddler feet wedged under my hips at 3am. Oh, that I would snuggle into the Lord the way Isaac snuggles into me! You are our Jehovah-Rapha, the Lord who makes bitter things sweet. <3 (Exodus 15:25-26)
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