"He's been home for over two years. Isn't it time you stop thinking about attachment?"
I stared dumbfounded at the face in front of me that had just uttered those hurtful words. I knew in my heart, they were said both in overly-asserted kindness and in ignorance, but I kinda wanted to scream back "Do you have any stinking clue what you are talking about?! Did you read the books?! Did you take the mandatory classes that seemed ridiculous at the time but make total sense now?! Did your child loose their only mother-figure not once but twice?! Were you there when the woman who cared for him for 15 months placed him in my arms and left the room...forever?! Were ya? Has the emotional safety of your child ever been on the forefront of your brain every.single.day?! Huh? Huh???" I chose not to let any of those things come out of my mouth and opted for, "thank you for your concern, I think we have what we need." Where the Saturday Night Live Church Lady when you need her?
Some people get it. They just do. Either through personal experience or seeking Spiritual Wisdom, they simply understand the long process of adoption healing. It's a journey, not a destination. Others...well, others, just don't. I walked away from the conversation above racking my brain on how to better frame the picture of our adoption life to those who aren't getting it. Unless you have a personalized Karyn Purvis app on your phone (which should totally be a thing, by the way!), how do you explain the lasting neuro-chemical effects of traumatic birth, abandonment, institutional care, and adoption transition? Multiple threads have been yanked from the tapestry of my tiny little human...there will always be a tiny snag in our quilt. It doesn't have to define my little boy, but as we grow together as a family, our attachment (not to mention developmental) needs will always be a little piece of who we are. A patch. A scar. A chip in the paint.
It's almost like...like...my niece's food allergies. (This is seriously what the Lord brought to mind). My gorgeous niece was diagnosed with significant food allergies before 6 months of age. It was a bit of a shock and provided a learning curve for everyone in the family. The simple foods the rest of us so easily took for granted, were now a serious danger to our little girl, and if we didn't pay attention, she could actually stop breathing. Of course, at the beginning we were in hyper-awareness mode: Was that a safe food? Did we bring extra snacks just for her? Is that restaurant safe? We should talk to the manager. We are going to so-and-so's house...did we tell them what was OK to prepare for dinner? Do you have the extra Epi-pen or do I? At the start, it took effort on everyone's part. And as the learning curve has plateaued and we've taught our sweet girl how to communicate her own needs ("does dat haf miwk o eggs in it? Miwk n eggs make me BERRY sick."), the peripheral scanning for potential dangers has become less formal...but still very present. The allergies don't define my beautiful niece, but are a real part of who she is. In order for us to keep her safe and healthy, as a family, we will always need to protect her differently than the other kids.
THAT is what I wanted to be able to explain to the Doesn't Get It Person. Until my little boy doesn't cling to me in a panic after I've been in the bathroom/pantry/garage/can't-see-me-place for too long, I'm going to stay with him as long as he needs me. Until I don't have to offer the mantra "momma always comes back" with every preschool drop off or play date with Gramma, I will hold and carry him as much as he wants. Until he trusts that food and drink will always be there when he needs it, he can share the food on my plate. If he needs to sleep with me three times this week, I'll scooch over to my 6 inches of the queen sized bed. Because right now, even after two years, the unspoken "allergies" will indeed do serious damage. He can't tell me "Momma, I'm scared you'll go away forever" or that hospitals remind him of the cold beds in the orphanage or whatever else is tucked away in his tender heart. Until he learns how to run to the Lord, I'm his go-to comforter...and that is OK. That is the way God designed our family.
For this is what the Lord says:
"I will extend peace to her like a river, and the wealth of nations like a flooding stream, you will nurse and be carried on her arm and dandled on her knees. As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you; and you will be comforted over Jerusalem."
Well, January kinda flew by without my permission. The first week or so was relatively quite, despite being diagnosed with severe anemia again. (Seems I like to start my years off right!). More iron infusions are on their way. Then I came down with THE influenza. Not just the sniffles and a tummy bug. The eight-days-flat-on-your-back-mommy-please-hold-me-influenza. It was BAD and I kinda hate the dude at the CDC that screwed up this year's flu vaccine. I am, however, SO VERY thankful for my mother who came and stayed at our house, Lysol-ed the entire structure, lovingly took care of Isaac, made sure I didn't die, AND continued to work her own job full time. I seriously wouldn't have made it without her. As I was quarantined for five of those eight days it was the first time Isaac had been away from me for more than 12 hours. I was deeply concerned about his little heart, but the timing of his recent unwavering trust of Gramma could not have been more perfect. Thank you Lord!
Isaac continues to stay healthy (Hallelujah!), and just this week the literacy light flipped on in his little noggin. We practice the alphabet all the time and Wheel Of Fortune for letter learning has been a part of our evening routine for some months. But this week he seemed to figure out that letters make words...specifically the letters on Momma's Old Navy t-shirt that she wears to bed actually says something. AND if you put the right letters together it spells...ISAAC! I can't tell you how stinking exciting this is. Reading can be difficult for many with Down syndrome and I've been determined that we would be successful in jumping that hurdle...honestly, I thought we were still a year or two away from any success. Seems, my little boy has other plans. For days he's been singing (and signing) "Eye. S. A! A! C. Isaac". It makes my heart simply beam.
He also has a new interest in cars and dirt (kind of...wait for the photos below) and wrestling. I love seeing my boy be a boy and I've been trying to find ways to encourage boyhood. Today we went and played in the park, chased the ducks, found cool sticks and...fell in the mud. That was fun for about four steps in the puddle without a shoe. :)
Winter in the Pacific Northwest
He biffed it in a mud puddle, lost a shoe and got water up his nose. He handled it surprisingly well, but you can see the progression of: Akk, get me out of here. Wait, where is my shoe?? Mom! I'M DONE!!!!!!!!
*hehe* I'm so very happy I'm the mommy he gets to freak out at when he is covered in mud. He got to ride home half naked and while eating Chinese crackers. All is well in the world.
Twenty-nine days of our life in photos. This ended up being a bit more work than I anticipated, but when I flipped through all the photos today it kinda seemed worth it.
What says Christmas morning more than a little boy in his Christmas pjs and his new remote control fire truck? He had a good day. Said 'thank you' after every gift and sometime before when he thought it was high time for him to open something. He snuggled with his Gramma. He danced with his cousins and somehow survived the day on crackers & guacamole. Santa dropped off the final gift...a book about Jesus's birthday. Merry Christmas!
150 pieces of fudge got made & packaged up for Isaac's teachers today.
Creme de mente, peanut butter, peppermint cream & cake batter fudge.
Yummmmmmmmm.
Day 22: Hand Print Art
A couple times a year I bust out the paints and we make a mother-son hand print art project.
It's a fun way to see how much he has grown.
His cute little fingers aren't so short & pudgy any more..
*Sniff*
Day 23: Fa-La-La
This is the Christmas CD compilation on the passenger seat right now.
That's right...classic Amy Grant, Pink Martini, Duck Dynasty & Casting Crowns are all getting equal play.
Not sure what that says about the depth of my musical taste. :)
Day 24: Gingerbread Fail
I planned ahead and bought a pre-fab gingerbread house for us to put together.
Then I nearly lost my salvation trying to put the dumb thing together.
So...we made gingerbread patios and enjoy every morsel.
Day 25: Cuzzies on the Lord's side
It was an impromptu Cuzzie Christmas this afternoon.
Aren't they just the cutest kids of all time?!
Day 26:HARK! The Herald Donkey...?
I don't know why he thinks this is so funny, but he replaces the singing angel with a donkey every time.
Now, when you push it, the donkey sings "Away in a Manger"...and that is weird...and I'll admit, pretty hilarious. :)
Day 27: School Choir
He's been practicing "Go Tell It On The Mountain" for months with his preschool class to sing during the school pageant. He even took over the roll of choir director! But as soon as he saw me in the audience he froze. I ended up in the choir pit with him (without my camera) singing the song into a table leg with him because, apparently it looked like a microphone. So the big school performance ended up with just one (awkward) photo with his sweet teacher.
Day 28: Christmas Eve
He curled up in my bed and grabbed my Bible and my heart melted.
I seriously love Christmas. I love the lights. I love the
giving. I love the awe. The awe of God's promise fulfilled through
Mary and her baby, and the total miracle of it all. But
my heart goes out to Joseph...because I want to be the forever
parent I think he was. He was chosen to be the earthly &
forever father to God's son. I'm certain he was chosen not because he had
the skills to do the job, but he had the heart to obey; he would have to daily cry out to the One
who chose him to do the seemingly impossible: give up everything to raise the
sinless son of God and trust in Grace to not screw up!
What
did his heart do that night the angel visited? Did it break for the family
shame his sweetheart would now carry? Did his mind immediately calculate the
financial and social cost to such obedience? Would his new carpentry
business ever thrive under such controversy? Surely he would be shunned. Would
he EVER be able to support his family? Did he have to force his feet to
walk in blind faith until his heart could follow?
When
the infant-Jesus cried through the night, through his exhaustion did Joseph
sing Psalms over his tiny son? "Give thanks to the Lord, for He is
good. His mercies endure forever" (Ps 107:1)
Did he take boy-Jesus fishing in the early hours of the day
and discussing & memorizing the Torah. (Deut 6:7)
Did his heart pause when his son asked to hear the stories
again about Great-Great Grampa King David? (Isa 11:1)
Did
he spend hours in the shop after hours with his teenage son building
cabinets & shelves for the widows, single moms & orphans in Nazareth? "Hold the saw like this, son. Watch
your fingers. If we finish early, we'll still have time to check on Widow
Jacobson's roof." (Deut 10:18)
Did his
blood boil when the other children made fun of his 'different' son? Yet,
he would have to choose to model grace, forgiveness & compassion. "Come
with me, son.I know it hurts, but they don't know what they
are doing. Let's pray their hearts change soon." (2 Chron 6: 36-39)
While singing the Passover prayer to his other
children, did Joseph's heart silently bow to the Sacrificial Lamb who was
sitting at his own dining table? (Ex 12)
Was
it with Joseph's final breaths that he took his oldest son's hands "My son, there are extra shekels in the
workshop. Make sure your mother is well cared for. I'm so very proud of you."
Jesus learned from someone to care so deeply for his mother. (John 19:26-27)
The night before His crucifixion, was it Jesus’ first
response to run to his Heavenly Father in prayer because he had
seen his earthly father so often do the same? (Luke 22:41-44)
Every
day Joseph had to choose: What's best for this child who has a plan so
much bigger than I could ever dream? He has been given to me for this time
on Earth alone; how do I, in every encounter with my child, model
what our Heavenly Father would do? Jesus told his disciples
"Very truly I tell you, the Son can
do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing,
because whatever the Father does the Son also does." (John 5:19). I by no means want to
devalue the majesty of that statement, but there is a part of me that wonders,
was Jesus’ earthly father accurately able to model what he saw HIS Heavenly
Father do to his own forever son? Was it through his forever father that the
Christ child saw His Eternal Father first? Surely, in the early years, Jesus
copied his daddy who was so earnestly seeking to follow the
Lord. What an impact that must have made! It’s this heart…Joseph’s heart…that
I want to have as I parent my child on this earth.
Continuation of our Photo-A-Day Holiday Edition project...
Day 11: Christmas Wreaths
Every year for the last eight years (has it been that long?!) a group of friends get together to make our own Christmas wreaths. The music plays in the background. The kids play around the Christmas tree. The guys talk football. The ladies chat while being creative. There is food & needles & laughter everywhere. I look forward to the first weekend in December for this very event...it's good ol' fashioned wassailing meets Pinterest. :)
Day 12: First Christmas Cards
Our first Christmas cards of the year arrived today! One local and one from Europe.
Love that we have so many friends & family over this Earth!
Day 13: Work Tunes
I started a new job the week of Thanksgiving and thankfully my lovely new co-workers don't mind a little Christmas music playing in the background. Everything I need is in this corner of my desk...Pandora Christmas on the ipod included.
Day 14: Hospital Follow Up
Isaac took charge of his clinic paperwork today at our 6 week hospital followup.
We left with a clean bill of health. Praise the Lord!
**The photos that are NOT being shown for this day are the ones my sneaky little boy took while playing with Momma's phone in a public restroom, just out of my reach. Lord help me if the Cloud gets hacked again **
Day 15: Christmas Cookies
No actual cookies ended up being made, but the dough was THOROUGHLY rolled out, shaped, re-shaped and snitched by my little chef.
Day 16: Joseph's Owie
I've officially lost count of how many nativities we have in the house. This is our newest and currently most played with...Isaac signs/asks "owie?" for Joseph's head covering. :) I suppose it does look a bit like a band-aid.
Day 17: In "A Mood"
He was in a bit of a mood on the Santa Train. Grammas are good at fixing those.
Day 18: Quiet Sunday Morning
We needed a quiet day at home Thankful for live streaming & podcasts from church.
Day 19: My Helper
He was supposed to be helping me clean the car...
Day 20: Mad Rush
The Christmas cards FINALLY arrived today. Excited that we get to send our Christmas Greetings to 18 states and 3 countries.
I grew up with some pretty awesome experiences with Santa, so I've been chomping at the bit to introduce Isaac to the man in red. There is some kind of parenting rite of passage when it comes to Santa--how to introduce the concept, the actual person, have fun with it and still keep the focus on Christ. Last year Santa mailed a book about Jesus's birthday to Gramma's house so we could read it together on Christmas morning. We know how much Santa loves Jesus, so it was fun to have that experience. But we didn't actually get to SEE Santa. Conveniently, the Santa Train was in our neck of the woods this weekend, so we hopped on board, sang some carols, ate some cookies, and stood in line...a lot. For some reason Isaac was...how shall we say...in a bit of a mood today (ahem), so it took some extra work to get him to smile for just about anything. He tolerated Santa. He didn't give him any gruff, but also didn't give him much to work with. Thankfully, Santa is a patient man and has seen his fair share of moody four year-olds. Especially, ones who decide to be in a perfectly happy state as soon as we get back in the car to drive home. (What the heck?) In the end, it was this momma who was more excited about the Santa Train than the little human, but we tried...and got the photo for the record books.
Singing Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer
Munching on cookies & coco in the snack car. Fast forward 30 seconds and all three of our drinks were on the ground and four strangers were on their knees helping us mop the train floor. God bless them all.
For a first photo with Santa, I suppose this isn't so bad. Clearly he was merely tolerating the experience. :)
Thank you, Santa. We'll see (evidence of) you soon!
.JPG)
.JPG)
.JPG)
.JPG)
.JPG)
.JPG)
.JPG)
.JPG)
.JPG)
.JPG)
.JPG)
.JPG)
.JPG)
.JPG)
.JPG)
.JPG)
.JPG)
.JPG)
