Fullness of Joy

I have been acutely aware of the potential transitional trauma my girl is about to face---leaving all that she has ever known, including three girls she has been raised with as sisters, her culture, her language, her people. Honestly, it's been a significant burden that I probably shouldn't have been carrying on my own (also didn't think to give it away, either *eyeroll*). An ongoing conversation with our adoption team and missionaries in Albania has been 'how do we prepare her in a developmentally appropriate way?". My hearts cry has been 'please don't let her be scared." 

I woke several times last night knowing that a shutterfly book I had prepared for my girl was going to be presented to her at any moment; that she would be told about the pending adoption. Her forever momma and little brother would be coming very soon. "Lord protect her heart. Give divine understanding to her mind. Make her brave" But then I heard the Holy Spirit say...ask me for JOY too. Sigh. It hadn't even occurred to me that this could be a joyous process for my girl. Lord, I'm so very sorry. YES. Please may JOY flood her heart!! 

Today I got a message from our adoption team: "*** has been given your book and the sisters have given her news of the adoption. She is showing happiness about her mother and little brother coming to take her to the US on a plane!" 

Praise you Lord! 

You are a God of families. Of Hope. Of Bravery. Of Joy.

The Laundry Basket

The adoption journey is filled with a lot of emotions--fear, peace, joy, grief.  Sometimes processing those emotions has to be added to the To Do list behind the paperwork or home issues that need to be addressed first to drive the adoption forward.  Some of those emotions translate into obscure obsessions. For me, my list has looked like this:

• Grants
• Auction
• Tshirts
• Garage Sale
• Complete Shutterfly books (China, 2012, 2014, 2015, 2017)
• Purge toys
• Dining room cabinets
• Closet Trim
• LAUNDRY BASKET!

Just a few days after I knew this adoption was moving forward I casually looked over and saw our laundry basket in the corner of the bathroom and had a moment of panic "oh gosh, we are going to need a bigger laundry basket!"  And I can't tell you why, but this whole adoption process I have been irrationally focused on making sure we get a new laundry basket in the kids bathroom.  With every step we've crossed off the list LAUNDRY BASKET has screamed in my head: SHE CAN'T COME HOME UNTIL WE HAVE A NEW LAUNDRY BASKET. I've know it was irrational but whatever.

The budget had been so tight while waiting for grants to come in, there just wasn't any extra money to buy the dumb laundry basket. So when I sold a spare item online for the exact amount as our-yet-to-purchased-laundry-basket-of-our-dreams I RACED to the store with an irrational urgency: OUT OF THE WAY! I'M ADOPTING AND I NEED THAT LAUNDRY BASKET!

I can't explain it why, That's just the way it was, but she can come home now---we have the laundry basket!

Non-Facebook Update #2

For those not in our Facebook group, here the updates as they have unfolded over the last few weeks...

April 22 at 8:41pm

Yard sale palooza! Talk about blessing upon blessing. Everything you can see in these pictures is for the Yard sale. This sale is going to be MASSIVE (and there are still donations to be dropped off this week). Local friends...I'm going to need help! If anyone can offer themselves any part of Sat and/ or Sun I will adore you until the end of time (plus keep you fed). I may even consider renaming my children after you if you can bring tables (I currently only have two). #albaniaiscalling. #Yardsale. #helpplease

April 23 at 8:48pm

Received a large batch of videos and updated photos of my girl today. Oh what a smile she has! And it was noted specifically she "loves music and enjoys making motions with dance. She listens to all kinds of music and will memorize lyrics to any song she hears.". This child will fit in PERFECTLY with this family <3 Watch out church worship team...our section of the sanctuary is about to get turned up a notch!

April 27 at 6:20pm

A grant from Show Hope! Thank you Lord for this beautiful ministry to your most vulnerable ❤

April 28 at 7:29pm

Folding my DAUGHTER'S clothes while my son is sleeping ❤ I love this life.

May 1 at 1:33pm

The poppy is Albania's national flower. Planting some today under my girl's window 

May 1 at 3:40pm

For the prayer warriors in the group...the LAST piece of paper we need from the US government was due to rake 2-3 weeks to process. We are now on week 4 which is not exactly earth shattering, but as we have entered into the month of May we are quickly running out of time to have anything processed before scheduling a June court date and appropriate travel. So a bit of favor is needed over ALL our remaining paperwork so that it may be processed quickly and without any further delays. #albaniaiscalling #prayerwarriors 

May 3 at 7:32am

Answered prayer...for some unknown reason the government approval form went to our adoption agency in Michigan instead of me. They sent me a copy and we are back on track! A quick visit to the state capital tomorrow for a signature and then we can request a court date in Albania...which means travel dates are coming SOON! #albaniaiscalling #wearecomingsweeetgirl#soonandverysoon 

May 5 at 12:47pm

Two cousins and a little brother working hard to bring our sweet girl home!!#albaniaiscalling. #yardsale

May 5 at 7:40pm

Amazing first yard sale day! Thank you Audrey Van Veen, Jessie Johanson & Laurie Lyn Humphreys for all your wonderful help ❤ We are $1000 closer to Albania and looking to double that tomorrow!! Send your friends! Send your neighbors! #albaniaiscalling 

May 6 at 9:49pm

The yard sale is DONE! What an exhausting adventure--my body feels like a giant shin splint but so very worth it to bring my girly HOME. A huge thank you to Audrey Van Veen, Dan & Rosanne Thompson, Kallie Locklair & Laurie Lyn Humphreys for all your help today. I could not have done it with out you ❤ I am proud to announce we met our matching grant goal to the EXACT dollar--not a cent more. God provided exactly what we needed when we needed it. And most of the items that were left over are being recycled into other ministries (book ministry, senior center, unwed mother's home, community day care, etc) This makes me so happy--our story is bigger than us--because our God is bigger than us. ❤ #albaniaiscalling. #heisourprovider 

May 9 at 11:19am

Got our approval today to schedule an appointment at the US Embassy in Albania. Expecting travel dates any day now. We are so stinking close!!  

May 11 at 11:54am

Good news out of Albania today--a judge has been assigned to us! I dont know anything about him/her but please join me in praying over them: That they would have a heart for families, specifically mine and their hands would be effecient in processing our case. Most importantly, that he/she would be open to the testimony of the Lord over our little family. What an honor to be the Lord's voice and declare "we are so very valuable to Him, He goes to the end of the earth to pursue our hearts" ❤
Travel dates expected sometime next week!

❤

The Nameless & the Named

Isaac and I continued our tradition of visiting the Chinese Pagoda on our nearby waterfront for Birth Mother's Day. I love that his face lights up when we go there!  This is his piece of China. This is a place that he loves to wander and explore. He runs to the pagoda and automatically looks for flowers to place (and now that other adoptive families are doing the same, it's fun to see who got there first with their flowers!).  When we left today, he jumped into my arms, waved to the park and whispered "bye". 

The reality is, there is emotional safety in not knowing who the birth parents are. I have no clue why decisions were made that allowed Isaac to be my son. The little bit of information paints a vague picture and gives me no names. The anonymity allows my brain to develop it's own story and there is a pretty narrow scope between vilification and romanticization; sadly, neither extreme allow his birth parents to be who they actually are or the grace to make the decisions that they made.  If I'm honest, it takes some effort to make sure that my son's birth parents don't become nameless surrogates to the life I now have.  

With my daughter though, it is different. I have her birth history with names, dates, reasons, signatures. My heart absolutely dropped when I saw her bio-mother's name on the birth certificate. "Oh my lord, she has a name." In the middle of my clinic day, I felt absolutely sucker punched.  Having that beautiful name flipped the technicolor switch in my heart--like going from black & white in the Wizard of Oz to full color. If she has a name, she has hair and eyes and a beating heart. Hair that my daughter possibly has; eyes that have seen our child if even for just a moment, both in awe and grief; a heart that beat life into the teenager that I will call my own.  The depth & breadth of loss and the personal and cultural ramifications of why my new daughter is indeed becoming my child is widely overwhelming. It wasn't just any mother in Albania that 'lost' her child...it was *that* woman, with *that* name.

So on this Birth Mother's Day we will work to honor both women--the nameless and the named; both who created the children that call me Mom. More importantly, we diligently pray for them--that if they don't already, that they would come to love the Lord deeply and that we would be a completed family in heaven: our big 'ole American-Chinese-Albanian family worshiping at the feet of Jesus.   

The Heart of a Cousin

This sweet niece of mine was my fashion consultant today, getting a starter wardrobe going for her new cousin! A day of heart to heart conversation about adoption, how my girl must be feeling, how much Jesus loves her and Chick-Fil-a waffle fries. 💗

Elli was just 3 years old when her mother joined me for two weeks in China to bring her tiny Chinese cousin home. Truthfully, adoption, special needs, down syndrome & grace has always been a part of the family conversation--it's all she has ever known. "E-eeee" (as Isaac calls her) graciously introduces her cousin to all her friends calmly and with confidence: "This is my cousin Isaac. He is from China and he has Down syndrome. If you don't understand what he is saying or doing you can just ask."  (Doesn't that just melt you?!)   When the adults broke the news to Elli and her brothers about a new cousin joining the family, her older brother ran to find Albania on a map, her younger brother asked if we were getting a cat (oh, to be 3 years old!), but Elli stopped--you could see the deeper meaning formulate in her heart, then a smirk crossed her face "She has down syndrome doesn't she? Oh, I hope she has down syndrome!" 

Elli wrote a BEAUTIFUL story about her new cousin and a letter welcoming her to the family.  I wept when I read it. The Holy Spirit is alive in her little heart and is giving her a deep passion for the Lord's most vulnerable. She has given me permission to share her letter here:  

Dear ***,

Even though you are in a different country, God still loves you. Even though you don't know our language and even though we don't yours, never doubt for even a second, that God doesn't know your language. He knows more of Albanian than anybody! That goes for English too! I want you to know that God does know your language!

~Your cousin, Elli. 

❤

Miracles Upon Miracles

We've had some good ol' fashioned miracles around here...

TWO WEEKS AGO: I have a meticulously color coded spread sheet for this adoption tracking fees, grants, fundraising, donations, thank you cards, etc.  It's a work of art, if I may say so myself.  I access it almost daily double checking as my To Do list and making sure there is accountability.  One evening recently, I sat crunching the numbers...there was a $2,500 fee that we didn't have covered yet. With just the yard sale still pending our season fundraising is essentially completed; there just isn't room on the calendar---or space on the spreadsheet!--for one more event. Dang it. Where are we going to find $2,500?  I can't think about this right now...I'll work on some work-stuff:  

Open the email.

Delete a few items.

What's this...?

"Congratulations Desiree, you have qualified for a $2,500 bonus that will be paid out in a lump sum next week."

Wait, WHAT!!!!

I literally have emails from the top of the administrative ladder saying that my job position does NOT fit within any bonus structures. I had forfeited any bonuses in order to have my current flexible schedule, and yet...

THANK YOU JESUS. 

ONE WEEK AGO: On my pressing To Do list (see above spread sheet) has been to arrange my maternity leave from work. This has been a stressful process in my head as I have only been with this company for 4 years and do not have the miles of Paid Time Off saved up like I did with my previous employer (I essentially had 6 months paid leave with Isaac's arrival). I've been watching the corner of my pay stub with my leave hours ticking upward, but only a few hours every week.  Ugg. How in the actual world am I going to be able to be in a foreign country for 4-6 weeks (was originally 8-12!), be able to transition a non English speaking teenager into a totally new normal, get school started, and all the medical appointments, not to mention bond with the poor girl...AND pay the mortgage?  Good lord, I don't want to start this maternity leave process knowing we are basically doomed:

HR Lady: ...Sure, you qualify for maternity leave. You'll need to use your Paid Time Off first... (yeah, I know, lady. That what I don't have enough of...)

Wait.

ME: Um, ma'am? What do you mean FIRST?  Is there a SECOND?

HR Lady: Yes. You have Extended Illness Time available but only if you or a family member has medical needs requiring multiple medical appointments during your leave. You have well over 300 hours of that.

ME: So...let me ask this: If I am adopting a child with a medical diagnosis that required multiple medical evaluations during my maternity leave, I can use BOTH the Paid Time Off AND the Extended Illness Time?

HR Lady: That is correct. 

Praise Jesus---I now have nearly FOUR MONTHS OF PAID MATERNITY LEAVE!

YESTERDAY: The grants are starting to come in, HALLELUJAH, however thus far we have been awarding 'matching grants' meaning the ministry will award us say $3500 IF we fund raise the first $1700 for example. It is WONDERFULLY generous but I've struggled to wrap my brain around how to add even more fundraising to our now dwindling schedule. June is just in 6 weeks.  With the miraculous $2500 provided above we still owed $4500 to pay off the last of our agency fees and the direct grants I expect we'll be awarded aren't scheduled to be paid out until AFTER we are in Albania. The adoption agency contract clearly states you can't travel unless ALL fees are paid (which totally makes sense and I have no issue with).  OK Jesus, your turn.  I literally tell NO one about this.   
Fast forward to yesterday. It had been a full day sorting garage sale items and visiting with friends that had stopped by to help. We were taking a Isaac break in the back yard when my phone dinged:

Great News! 

AdoptTogether has received a donation from *** for $4,000.00 designated to your family's fundraising profile.

Are you kidding me?! 

My friend of 20 years stared at me..."Are you OK?!"

I was absolutely speechless.

Here is the place I find myself now: Expectant Awe.  I want to live with a heart that declares "of course,the Lord will provide" AND in constant reverence of His unending, faithful, loving provision for me and my family. I don't ever want to take it for granted but stand confidently in faith that He will indeed do what He said He would do, without any disrespectful familiarity.  There is an old Point of Grace song that says this:

The more I know your power, lord

The more I'm mindful

How casually we speak and sing your name

How often we have come to you

With no fear or wonder

And called upon you only for what we stand to gain

God forbid, that I find you so familiar

That I think of you as less than who you are

God forbid, that I should speak of you at all

Without a humble reverence in my heart

God forbid

Lord, I often talk about your love and mercy

How it seems to me your goodness has no end

It frightens me to think that I could take you for granted

Though you're closer than a brother

You're more than just a friend

You are father, God almighty
Lord of lords, your king of kings
Beyond my understanding
No less than everything

I write these things down not for you (although I hope you are encouraged by the testimony), but for myself as an altar of remembrance. The Lord did THIS HERE and I will stop and give Him praise!  But also for my coming daughter: My Sweet Flower of Hope, the Lord loves YOU so very much--you are worth moving a mountain for; you are of such high value to the God of the universe's heart, He will split the sea He created just for you. He will provide for your at-times faithless momma so we BOTH know how deeply He desires to care for us. He is that GOOD. <3  

The Wait 2.0

The Wait...the horrible party of the adoption journey after all the paperwork is done and before you actually know when you are going to meet your child. It's awful. There is literally nothing you can do to propel the process forward...you just wait. 

The Wait with Isaac was particularly hard. The month I expected to travel to China came and went, then three more months came and went. Somewhere in the middle of it all a bleeding ulcer came...and didn't go. It wasn't necessarily about getting my baby in my arms, it was knowing WHEN I was going to have my baby in my arms. 

This Wait has been different. Being able to focus on Isaac has been a huge distracting blessing. I find myself snuggling him a little longer knowing he won't have my undivided attention soon, and that my girl hasn't had momma-snuggles--maybe, somehow I can make up for that by squeezing Isaac a little bit longer.   I've also had a long To Do list of things to get ready before my Sweet Girl comes home...which hasn't necessarily decreased the nesting!  Good heavens. The closets are CLEAN. The new office area is ORGANIZED...I'm talking label-maker level organized. ie: I desperately want to show off the choir of angels that burst forth when you open the new cabinets..but I also know you'll probably roll your eyes at me so you'll just have to trust me.

Outside of getting my OCD-on, I've had the month of June to hold on to throughout our whole journey. The first conversation I had with our adoption agency focused on the small window of time we'd be able to travel to pick up my girly: a two month window between letting both my boy AND girl finish their school year and when the entire Albanian government shuts down for an entire 4 weeks effectively halting any adoptions currently in process. We've been so focused on hitting that window that my poor international social worker starts every phone call with "Hey Desiree! We are still on track for June. Here is the newest update..." God bless'm.   Even now as we are barreling down into June, I have been so thankful for the gift of knowing WHEN...the lining of my stomach is definitely thankful. 

Both Waits have been a sweet time to hear from the Lord. During Isaac's Wait, He showed me how Jesus is even now waiting to bring US home; His heart both breaking for those still denying Him and bursting with joy for all those who will be in His arms soon.  I'm pretty certain Jesus doesn't get ulcers, but the dichotomy seems ulcer worthy.   This time, the Lord keeps bringing me back to the parable of workers in the vineyard (Matthew 20: 1-16).  Do you remember that one?  The workers that only worked an hour in the vineyard get paid the same as the workers who labored all day? I've tried to brain my way through the parable, but my heart keeps hearing: it's never too late.  His promises are the same for my girl as they are for my boy. Spending 13 years in an orphanage and all the baggage that may include doesn't decrease the hope she has in Him. She is worthy of being pursued, of being given full access to the Lord's table. In fact, her one hour of labor in the vineyard is vital to the Kingdom of God. It's NEVER too late. 

Littlest Warrior Update

Have you ordered your shirt from The Littlest Warrior yet?  I'm so excited that this Christian company is donating 10% all their sales in April to our adoption <3 As the owners also have a son with Down syndrome they are especially passionate about all things chromosomal!

Click on the link HERE to order. 
Make sure to share widely with your friends, family and coworkers!

Non-Facebook update

For our non-Facebook friends--here is what has been happening in the last 10 days:

April 6 at 7:09pm

The last piece of paperwork needed arrived from Albania today! Getting a few things notarized in the morning for immigration and we have forward movement again. Things are going to be moving pretty quickly now. June is right around the corner!!

April 10 at 10:48am

1045am and its already been a full day!
Needed to take an unexpected trip to the Secretary of State office today to have our Albanian court documents signed--in and out in 10 minutes! (See photo)

Received confirmation that our papers received last Friday were delivered to the immigration office this morning. Score!
And received an email that we are in the final consideration group for a sizable adoption grant. Hallelujah!
I'm coming to get you Sweet Girl. You wont have to wait for a family for much longer❤

April 10 at 7:53pm

Lots of calls & discussions with the medical team that will be supporting my girly when she gets home. And first appointment made! Get ready, sweet heart--August 21st is dental day! Isaac LOVES our dentist, you've got nothing to worry about. #smile

April 11 at 11:28am

Received an unexpected grant from A Child Waits Foundation (different than yesterday's notification)! Thank you A Child Waits! Thank you Lord!

April 12 at 1:19pm

Great conversation with the International Adoption Clinic today and with area schools planning for how to help my girly stay healthy & thrive! The team is coming together. Also confirmed with our adoption agency that we are about a month away from getting firm travel dates in June. Really--in less than 8 weeks we'll be in Albania!! EEEEEEEK. #albaniaiscalling #weareanswering#soonandverysoon

April 13 at 2:01pm

Its been a busy day as I coordinate my Sweet Girl coming home between my clinic patients:
A cardiology appointment has been made with Isaac's excellent cardiac team--she doesn't have any heart issues that we are aware of, but is at high risk given that extra chromosome so we'll get a good double check shortly after coming home.
We received a another grant from Brittney's Hope! Hallelujah!
And we got an estimate on our airfare...which was HALF of what I was expecting! Praise the Lord!!

April 14 at 10:01pm

Her room is nearly done ❤

Vajzë e dashur, ju mund të bëni gjëra të mahnitshme!

Fundraising Update

The last grant application was submitted this evening...application #20. Whew. I now have ALL the details of my 2016 & 2017 taxes MEM-OR-IZED.

Formal fundraising is wrapping up this month with our sponsorship by The Littlest Warrior and our yard sale. I suspect that we will cross the $20,000 mark in donations as we go into May because of everyone's MOST GENEROUS donations. I can not thank you enough! Every $20, $100, $1000 is helping to bring my girly HOME...and writing you into her story forever <3

I stand now believing the Lord will provide the remaining $35,000 in fees & travel through grants and scholarships before we leave in June. It feels like a lot, but I know that our God has a habit of providing EXACTLY what we need EXACTLY when we need it. I am sure somewhere in those twenty grant applications is our EXACT provision.

Thank you for your continued prayer support!