Happy Father's Day--He Must Look Like You

Getting to share a bit over at Village21:

It's Father's Day in America, which means it's kind of your day. We don't talk about you nearly as much as birth momma. And I admit, I probably don't think about you as much either. Somehow her loss seems greater--she grew our child; she felt him kick and move when you couldn't; she felt him leave her being; and then nursed him with the very body that had quite literally invented him. I know he was your child too, but her loss just seems bigger. 

I want desperately to believe that you were madly in love with our child's mother, that you wooed her, fought for her heart, promised to protect it, married her and committed yourself for eternity...whatever that looks like in your culture. The fantasy I hold onto is that while our child could have been unplanned, he was created in love. YOU created him in love; with purpose and a hope for the future. I want to believe that when our tiny little boy was born with that single crease in his palm and his double almond eyes, you swallowed your gasp and looked deep into your love's eyes "It'll be alright. We'll figure something out. He is our son."  That you were the rock in the family.  

After six months, was it you that finally said "there IS a way, but he can't be with us"? Did you take him from his momma's arms, wrap him tightly and take him to that place? Did you wait to see that he was safe? Were you there somewhere watching? Protecting & hoping with a father's presence? Did your heart shatter into a thousand pieces as you held your wife and her painful aching breasts on that first long night without our boy? I cannot tell you how much I want to believe all these things about you. I pray that they are all true. 

I attribute all our son's goofy quirks to you. It's funny to say that, but I do. Surely, you are the one who can raise just one eye brow at a time! And his toenails...goodness, that MUST have come from your side of the family! My heart tells me our son got his melted chocolate eyes from his first mother, but his soft dark hair with it's competing cowlicks from you. (Does your barber have a trick for those things? Please share!)  Are you an engineer? Do you like math? You should see our boy diligently solve problems--it's amazing!  It impresses everyone. He is going to be way smarter than me!  He also has a wickedly accurate throwing arm; baseballs, footballs, bowling balls, you name it--it gets where it needs to go.   He is also gentle with a kind heart. He melts when others are hurt and runs to comfort them. Some of that must have came from you too.

So, no, we don't talk of you often, but clearly you are a deep part of our lives. He will grow into a man one day and the whiskers that come to his face will be yours.  My heart will think of you then.   

Whoever you are, however you came to be our son's first father, know that he is safe, thriving, and happy. Know that on this Father's Day, wherever you are we are thinking of you.